Things

You fucking bastard. You complete monster. You sadistic freak.

Sometimes I wonder what you were thinking. Then I remember that you don’t think. You just do. Chinese Room that you are; it’s not in your capacity to think. You just manipulate variables.

You have nothing in common with me. No, you have more in common with that predator, toying with its food. Injuring it a bit, letting it think it’s got away, then pulling it right back in. You don’t feel sorry for me. You don’t empathise with me. You aren’t capable of empathy.

You had me at your mercy, and you made me into a thing.

Just stop it. Stop manipulating variables. Stop doing. Just understand.

It wasn’t even personal. You don’t even hate me. I was just something disposable for you to play with.

You took everything I had. Absolutely everything.

I’d cry, if you hadn’t taken my tear ducts.

A lesson

Nothing I do will ever matter, because existence is a zero-sum game. Sooner or later, everything winds down to nil, and there will be no trace of me ever existing. Hope is illegitimate.

Living is difficult, practically and emotionally, and there is no way out. For strength, I look within myself, but not too deep - monsters live in there.

Whispers on the wind. Messages from things long gone.

Big purchases

So now I have a DSLR. It's a Canon 60D. That happened faster than I was expecting.

I knew from the start that I would go for one of the big two: either Canon or Nikon. I didn't really consider the offerings of Sony or Olympus. I had a few reasons for this, including less dependence on a single manufacturer. I can't deny that the prestige (and associated self-confidence boost) of being able to say 'I own a Canon/Nikon' played a role in my decision.

I decided fairly early on that I would go for Canon over Nikon, because of things I'd heard about the former's more extensive lens range, and that their cameras are well suited for videographers, which I am interested in dabbling in. I did a humongous pile of web research trying to compare the various EOS models until I arrived at the 60D.

It concerns me how little some other people seem to research their purchases before they buy, especially with something so expensive as a DSLR camera. They rely on one, maybe two sources: anecdotes from their family and friends, and the in-store salesperson.

The salespeople in electronics stores are still taught to espouse the 'megapixel myth' - namely more equals better. This really isn't true. The glass you put on the front of a DSLR body matters a hell of a lot more than the sensor inside it. If you squeeze more pixels into a sensor without making the sensor larger, then you lose dynamic range and gain pesky noise.

On top of the 60D body, I invested in a 17-85mm IS USM - which will be my walking around lens - a 55-250mm IS telephoto zoom, and a 50mm f/1.8 fast prime.

I also have an 18-55mm kit lens which I will keep as a backup, or if I take the camera out where it may be damaged, rather than risk my better 17-85mm. I feel this is a fairly versatile entry-level collection of glass.

In any case, this contraption should keep me busy for a while. I'm teaching myself composition technique and photoshop skills as I go along. Oh, and she's called Miranda.

Film Progress

I'm actually very happy with this film project thus far - lots of the ideas come to me in a nebulous form that doesn't lend itself to vocal expression. It's much easier to simply put down what I mean directly into the script itself, rather than trying to explain it. This is why co-writing is much harder for me than writing alone.

Still, we're forging ahead nicely. Having been inspired by the films of Christopher Nolan (specifically The Prestige, Inception and Memento - I don't much care for the Batman reboots) and similar works I've seen, I'm working on crafting expressionist techniques and psychological themes into the script.

Time will tell if it's any good.

That's my photograph by the way - It came out better than I was expecting.

Careers

So as long as I can remember I had a career path in the sciences all neatly picked out for myself. First it was just 'scientist', before I understood that there were individual disciplines. Then it was 'astronomer' for about five years, as I started to learn about all the stuff that's out beyond this tiny rock.

Then, I started to simultaneously explore a fascination with the human brain, specifically the nature of consciousness, intelligence and free will. I said from then on that I would become a neuroscientist. You see, those questions about the mind and our freedom to act perplexed me, and I knew that I would have not a hope of answering them unless I learned and trained in the field. It's not enough for me to simply ask the questions - I need to look for the answers.

And now I feel a tad confused.

I'm currently working on a student film with a close friend, for her application to film school in a few years. I'm co-writer and cinematographer. Along with my experience in this so far, and my burgeoning hobby of photography, I'm actually drifting away from the sciences and towards the arts.

I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually.

Goes to show

Goes to show, even though you might have a pretty good idea what other people are, you never quite know who you are.

Intuition only gets you so far. Communication is essential.

Changes in circumstances trigger introspections.

Old habits return.

Desires channel like fluid.

Try not to break anything valuable.

Felt like sharing

Yesterday night saw the first semi-clear skies in my area for the last few weeks, so I took advantage of the opportunity and took my new camera plus tripod outside for experimentation.

Couldn't resist this one.

My experimentation was cut short by a bank of cloud that rolled in at about eleven PM.

There's definitely much more I need to figure out about astrophotography.

I can now understand the infinite values of both an optical viewfinder (stars are dim enough not to show up in the electronic viewfinder at all) and a wide angle lens (which would have enabled me to point the camera straight up with landscape on all sides).

I'm a complete beginner at this photography lark, but I hope I'll make progress. I've already decided on my next camera, looks like I'll be needing a combined birthday/Christmas/Hannukah present next year.

The case for reality...

I care about the truth a great deal. I cannot knowingly accept a fantasy. My drive to make sure that my beliefs jive with reality stems from this predisposition.

But is a predisposition all this is? Is my striving for truth just a personal choice?

The standard argument for seeking truth and against fantasy is the harm that believing comforting fictions can cause. Our beliefs affect our actions, and when beliefs are disconnected from reality, it is all to easy for toxic beliefs to thrive, ending in atrocities like 9/11 and the Holocaust.

The harm caused by magical thinking, superstition and pseudoscience is not always on such a grand scale, however. Much of the harm done occurs on the personal level, where it slips past headlines for the most part. Conspiracy theories divert attention away from real social issues. Bogus psychics offer comfort to grieving families, and do not deliver. Alternative medicine remedies offer hope to the terminally ill, and do not deliver.

But what if the psychic pretends to speak to a dead relative, and the family goes away satisfied, believing the fantasy? What if a patient takes a fake homeopathic remedy and feels better (the placebo effect being what it is)? Why hate on horoscopes, when no one really believes them anyway? Is there anything objectively bad about believing in fairy tales and reassuring fables, when such fables do no harm?

My response is that allowing this kind of thinking to flourish in our discourse may not be dangerous in itself, but will provide cover for the more verminous, dangerous and extreme superstitions. If reason is in exile, then all kinds of superstition will thrive, not merely the fluffy, garden variety woo that people like to believe in.

But all these arguments are based in the consequences of allowing fantasies to grow unchecked. Is there any properly basic reason to search for the truth in and of itself, rather than as a means to an end (i.e. a better, friendlier society)? I don't know, though I would be overjoyed if I discovered one.

In lieu of this, I must appeal on human terms.

I feel that it is sentimental and childish to embrace comforting fables when the truth is out there. No matter how comforting a fable is, there is also comfort and awe to be found in the world as it really exists, we don't have to demean it with pathetic fairy tales. If only we could get past our fear of being tiny, we could appreciate the vast wonder to be found in knowing the actual circumstances of our existence.

We are only here for a short time. And we are, shall we say 'blessed', with a tremendous opportunity. Our civilisation has progressed to such a degree that the tools to find the truth are at our feet. All we need do is show our maturity by picking them up.

So I have a camera now.

The FZ45 is what they call a bridge camera, in that it has manual settings and some other advanced settings, but lacks the optical viewfinder or interchangeable lens you'd expect from a proper SLR. My plan is to see how this goes, then switch to a better model in a year or so.

I have a bag and lens cleaning kit, awaiting the delivery of a tripod and lens filters.

Oh yes, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.